So I started sharing my story last summer and never finished. I thought now would be as good a time as any as I remember these days a year later. I've referenced my previous posts recently, but you can check out Part 1 and Part 2 where it all started.
The day after they found the mass, I ended up in the gynecologist office – by myself, with a CD in hand of my CT Scan pictures, and lots of unanswered questions running through my mind. I was only there for about 10 minutes when I found out they wouldn’t be able to see me because, according to them, they didn’t have the proper equipment to view my CD. They said I needed the written write-up from the radiologist, which takes about a week. I was frustrated with them, to the point of tears, because they didn’t believe me when I said all they needed to do was stick the CD in the computer. Really I was just scared. And tired of no one being able to tell me what was going on in my body.
By the end of that week, I had decided to go back to the urologist because my belly seemed so full! I thought surely my bladder still wasn’t working properly. After checking it out, they explained to me that they had been measuring the fluid in my mass the whole time and that I should go home. Having learned my lesson before, I asked for a copy of the most recent written radiology report that I could take to my appointment with the gynecologist scheduled for the next week. I grabbed my papers without looking at them and glanced up to see the entire office staff – all the nurses and the PA – watching me as I left the office. I felt like an idiot, but also thought it was strange how concerned they all looked.
I got in my car and pulled out the papers. The first thing that I noticed was the word ‘malignancy’ circled on the page. I read the rest of the report in shock. I put the car in gear and started driving back to Dahlonega. I wasn’t really sure where I was going, but I knew I didn’t want to stay in that parking lot. I cried the whole way back. Mostly I thought about my aunt who had passed away 3 years earlier – almost to the date – from ovarian cancer. And I wondered if I would ever be able to have children. Both of those ideas were equally heartbreaking to me. I went straight to my friend Robin’s house and I couldn’t even tell her. I just handed her the papers. I don’t remember much else about that day – I don’t remember what Robin and I did or talked about, I don’t remember telling my parents (though I’m sure I did). Those moments were a blur.
At some point that weekend, I ended up reading the verses below. They were familiar verses to me before, but all of the sudden they became real. They jumped off the page and I understood with a new depth I couldn’t know before.
Yes and I will rejoice, for I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayers and the provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and hope, that I will not be put to shame in anything, but that with all boldness, Christ will even now, as always be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. Convinced of this, I know I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith, so that your proud confidence in me may abound in Christ Jesus through my coming to you again. Only conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or remain absent, I will hear of you that you are standing firm in one sprit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel; in no way alarmed by your opponents – which is a sign of destruction for them, but of salvation for you, and that too, from God. For to you it has been granted for Christ’s sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake, experiencing the same conflict which you saw in me and now hear to be in me. – Philippians 1: 18-30
And this became my hope, my prayer, my purpose for whatever would happen in the days ahead. I remember wondering what are you to do when you find out something like that? Some people travel the world, quit their jobs, make bucket lists… But when I read those verses, I knew that I wasn’t going to change anything. I wanted Christ to be exalted, the faith of those around me to be furthered, and any suffering I might experience to be an example. I was also still hoping it would turn out to be nothing.
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